Friday, July 20, 2007

* edited

Mood: relaxed, deep in thoughts.
Time: 6.19pm

Spinning - All my life by Kc & JoJo, This i promise you by N'sync, Truly, Madly, Deeply and i knew i love you by Savage Garden, the ghost of you by MLTR.

Dear Diary,

i was reading through some online articles yesterday and it kept me pondering. this author was asking the readers to recall who is your first love. and i know, many people will first feel confused about this question like i do because there are so many interpretations and definitions to it. i believe some will perceive it as, lets say the first puppy love, the most earnest and intense relationship that you were so into or rather the longest relationship you were in and so on. what's the accurate and right definition doesn't matter, what matters is yours and whom you think is your first true love and how would you define it.

personally, would define it as the most memorable relationship which you ever experienced. the most intense and truest. when you really love someone with all your heart, all you could see is the partner and no one else, and made them your ultimate aim, purpose, like spending your life with them. it don't have to be the first relationship you're in. but it has to be something that creates a deep impact and impression in you, even if the person you love isn't no longer there to reciprocate your feelings but being able to love them in a distance is enough. i think this is what true love about. loving someone disregard of the situation you're in, fame and social status that they built. you ignore how people look at you guys and go to the furthest extend, giving the maximal. all you wanted is give them the best of what you have, love them with all your heart and protect them with what you got. i feel that true love will involve you giving a kind of love known as - agape. Agape is a Greek term, it means selfless, self sacrificing and unconditional love.

i think i've experienced true love before. maybe not, but at least i know i've love someone a lot, used to and present. it's so deep that i don't mind exchange my life just for him, hiding myself and watch him secretly, being there for him when he don't want to, trying so hard to forgive him every time he did something wrong intentionally or unintentionally. cause i know, loving someone has a lot to give and lost.

but as i grow up, i realised love isn't like those youngsters thinks. here's an analogy of true love. i think true love is like an examination. you need to work hard for it to either pass it well, or scrape through. when you're not careful enough, made some unwanted mistakes, you'll get your downfall, you fail at times. but human are imperfect sometimes, you made mistakes, therefore you hurt each other unknowingly. sometimes when you're mad at them, you said something in a fit of anger which you don't mean at all. when you're jealous, you say things which your heart don't reflect the same.

it is because human are imperfect and are not meticulous enough and because love is such a fragile things and gotta be handle with care and at many times they fail us? or is it people has now changed to be more self centered, more independent and believe more in individualism and freedom they no longer treat love as a serious things like our parents or our grandparents do? has marriage and love devalued as times passes? maybe such factors do play a part, but i still believe there are still the existence of somebody like me, who still believe in true love and still bears anticipation towards creating a family, bearing and bring up children and growing old together with the "special one".

sounds naive and stupid but i still carry great faith in this aspects. i believe there will be someone out there in this world, a population of 6 billion people who share this value as i do. sometimes, i really do envy those old couples holding hands while taking strolls in the park. looking at the pace they walked, looking at those wrinkles running through their faces, i feel they are beautiful people. those indicate how much they have went through in life and how great they were. yes, no human are infallible, but they made it great by standing straight up after every fall. it's always a blessing to know and have someone who will be there for you regardless of what has become of you. maybe one day, when i have a time, i shall approach an old couple and talk to them, listen to their love story. i guess it gotta be touching and so beautiful that it touches your heart and makes you wanna tear.

behind every successful love, marriage, relationship there must be lots of rough and tough sailing experience. for a very good example, my parents. they have been through a lot, from dating each other till now. from the disapproval of their relationship, rejection from both families, winded up their business and so much more. they now are getting old, but they still go out hands in hands and hug each other.

of course they are other ways to express love. love don't have to be those typical mushy type. like my grandparents, they live their days by endless bickering and quarrels. my grandpa is very learned, a man of honour, responsible and good tempered. as for my grandma, she's very paranoid, temperamental, uncouth and uncivilised. both with different character and background. but they are together till the very end. they spend every single day throwing dishes at each other, scolding each other, bickering and talking back at each other, ignoring each other. i don't deny that this is a very bad way to express your love for someone, but it is still love. if they didn't love each other, they could simply just walk out of each other and the family their built. but they didn't. so i guess, the bond they have are much deeper than what i think it should be. i remembered how soured they were after each conflict, and how much they complaint about each other, how they go round telling us how they hate each other and stuffs. but actions always speaks louder than words. till my grandpa left, my grandma then regret treating him this way, perhaps she realised there's no turning back from them. she couldn't see, touch and talk to him anymore. she cried so badly that she fainted. and i gotta admit that i'm touch by such scene when there's a revelation of true love.

if i have chance to talk to my grandma now, i would tell her actually grandpa knows how much she loves him. in fact, they both know where they stand in each other's life. and she there's no need to regret cause she did show him some love, but just in a slightly unique form. but i guess, they both now should be in heaven, continue fighting and quarrelling their after life away.

speaking of regret, i remember i used to have this primary school friends named christina and paul. they both were couple till we have moved on to secondary education. they were loving but paul passed off at a tender age of 13 due to some brain disease on that fateful day out of a sudden. no signs, no nothing, it just strike him like this. and christina till now is living her life with regrets cause she had so much to tell him and guess what. they quarrel the day before and she wanted to tell him so much that she has forgiven him. but little did she know, she no longer has the chance to do so. she must have so much to tell him, so much to say, so much to ask, but it's too late. so i guess from this we can see that love doesn't necessary have to be a happy ending, but it can be, as long as the relationship meant something and you kept it right inside you.

i have another girl friend. she's now together with this guys whom she don't really love. she's still missing her ex boyfriend. although she knows that her current boyfriend is good, but she still prefer her ex. actually to meet someone you really love are hard to come by, why hesistate to tell them how much you love them. what happened if you're like another christina and paul. either one didn't have the chance to watch the next sunrise. you never know when you'll leave this world, so make full use of what you're given.

as for me, there's 2 guys i really loved so far. zexin and cheng hwee. they are what i've been looking for, the one i've waited all along. come to think of it, i think i really sucks, suck to the core. i never know how to cherish, i never know how to treat a person right. just because i'm pampered, everyone allow me to indulge in my own misconduct. so i was punished through losing these 2 guys i really love. i was together with zexin when i was in secondary 2, lasted about half a year more or so. i was extremely bad tempered, i always threw tantrum at him, gave him attitude, neglected him but i really love him, just that i didn't know how to express back then. and one fine day, he couldn't take it and left me. i was extremely heartbroken and took me 2 years to recover.

and slowly, i came across another guy i really love, cheng hwee, i repeated the same mistakes, i neglected his emotions i was selfish. again, i didn't know how to shower love the right way. but when i really learnt my lesson and turned over a new leaf, he was gone. but somehow, god endow another chance, we were together, we were doing fine, but he has to go without telling me his reasons. i've been through storms, sun shines with him. countless times and it really did bonded us, made us stronger. but we still can't stand what god has for us. i wonder if i'm not good enough or it's really purely the reasons. hopefully, one day, we will be back where we were. but i guess, it's kinda unlikely. we've turned so soured by our different situation and perpective towards this matter. we can't turn back, we can't act like nothing happened. i guess, time will tell how much we love each other. this is my first true love, but also my deepest regret.

i know what i've said do sound so dramatic and novelistic. like i'm a scriptwriter, creating
another unforgettable love story which will create a deep impression in everyone's life. but i think this how love should look like, be it ugly or pretty. they always comes in a whole, be it apart or close together, they always stay as one.

hope you learn from this post i've posted up. it's all about being simple in life, cherishing the one you love, telling and expressing your love right, make them feel important and lastly, be extremely careful so as not to leave any regret in your life.

if you have something to tell your love ones, do it before it too late. stop being angry, sad or hesitant if you're, remember everyone have a limited time span in this world. do it before it's really too late alright? there's a way when there's will, there's nothing much gonna do with your abilities and means. and you never know if you never try. this proverbs might be a come in handy - better be late than never. got what i mean? do something you ought to do today.

and one question. have you figure out who's your true love? the one whom you love dearly?
try listening to some sentimental love songs, might remind you of them and the good times.

=)

good night.

ps: the one i truly love is you. it's okay if you don't share the same. just wanna let you know i'll still forgive and trust you despite of what you did to me :]

loved on 4:23 PM