Wednesday, July 18, 2007
mood: blank
time. 9.55pm
Dear Diary,
i'm feeling a little down today, but yeah, i expected those stuffs last night anyway. it has like become a routine, from those common disagreements and hostility we had all along. nothing special, gotten use to it too. nothing to be exclaimed about. i seriously wish the next time we talk, we can just be nice towards each other. we both need some wake up call for now. let's stop hurting each other this way, we've already lost each other, i don't want us to lose it all, we will regret, we really will.
however, something just struck me. i realised i'm always in a emotional mess. i, myself is a big contradiction. awhile, i can say i'll be here for someone and not get involve with another guy, but when i turn my head away, i'm on good term with another guy. i said i'm not gonna fall in love someone, but i did. i said i'll trust and forgive, but i blame, hate, distrust. i given my words, but i failed to keep it. yeah, i guess all these are about commitment and i'm not rather for one yet. perhaps, there's a possibility i'm sick and tired of what i'm sailing through, i totally can't be bothered with those happenings in me. i'm not finding an excuse, but that's a fact, i'm tired, really. i wanna do it, but i lack the ability to do so now.
i know many people out there sees me as a rich girl, someone whose blessed with everything that a person would yearn for. but do you know, i don't mind losing every single bit i'm blessed with just to exchange what i really want in life? i'm not someone whose materialistic. yes, from my lifestyle, i may look like one. but who really knows me? who knows what i'm? who knows what i want in life? have anyone bother try knowing me?
you can take away what i built for myself, these images i created, the good look i'm born with, the confidence, charisma and self esteem i worked on, my smartness my brain i have and those unlimited amount of money i spend on branded good, good food, expensive gadgets, my wealthy life. you can own everything i'm having now. i don't mind giving all to you. you can take them all, i don't mind.
i just wanna be someone who's simple, be a good daughter, be a good girlfriend, be a good friend, to be cherished, to be love and to be prioritized. i want to stop standing up for myself, i wanna stop being a independent girl where everyone rely on me. when can i stop allowing people to rely on me once and start to rely on someone i love and who is reliable. i had enough of disappointment towards people in my surroundings and mankind. i wanna stop feeling negative all day long, i wanna stop crying a second, i wanna stop someone, i wanna stop those betrayals that you brought. i wanna stop standing up for myself and people who are suffering. i want someone to stand up for me and feel protected. do u know how sick this life is? do you know how much i wish to die?
i can don't owe any branded goods, i can don't wear expensive apparels and cosmetics. i don't stop spending money like nobody's business. i can don't own those good gadgets, i'm fine with lousy handphone, lousy computers, anything that is useful is enough. really enough. i don't need lots of guys to love me, i don't need people to be jealous of me. i don't need envious from others. i don't mind having slightly lower IQ or EQ than normal human beings. i'm fine, really. all i just wanna is to be loved by someone who truly loves me. i'm sick of people hurting me but telling me how much i meant to them. i had enough of the fact that people say i'm their good friends, but there were never there for me. 6 years of friendship, just gone to the drain like this. remember how you use to drink and smoke together? how we use to get into trouble in secondary school? remember how we used to spend our nights in each other house. remember i said i wanna go back to taiwan with you and we can shop till we drop and go broke? where are all these. where is the sister-ship we had. where is it, i can't feel it. i can't rely on you anymore though i don't mind offering myself.
i just want good true friends who will love me for i'm and be there when i need them.
i just want the man of my life to tell me that we'll be okay and he has always love me.
i just want things to be simple, less complex than it is now.
i just wanna lead a life without trouble.
i just wanna be happy and enjoy my life like how it used to be.
i'm not writing all these to gain sympathy from you all. i'm trying to tell the world who am i, the real hidden self. this is who i'm and this what i want and need. you guys have never once understand who i really am. i'm just someone who needs some sincere souls. what you saw, it just what you perceived, i'm not someone whom you think i'm. i just wanna find someone to love and give them everything what i have for them. is that wrong?
give me a route to escape from all these pains.
bring me some deliverance.
what have i done wrong to received all these, tell me.
haven't i love you enough, haven't i given my best.
why do i get all these fucking shits in return?
GIVE ME A REASON.
17th - ironical; the insult of my life.
who understands how i feel?
i feel like i'm a fool, stupid, manipulated, unloved.
LOL. my existence is for you to hurt and tear down by you.
what's the point of saying all these.
you have no conscience, you won't feel a thing.
not at all, so i'm bearing what you've given by your selfishness.
LMAO.Labels: personal - myself
loved on 1:33 PM
