Friday, July 27, 2007

Mood: tired
Time: 12.40am

Dear Diary,

i reckon life is like a stage where you're the director, the producers, the backstage crews and of course the actor or actress of your own play. sometimes looking at others, i find them so dramatic, as though as they're out here living, acting their life away. but little do i realised that, well, this is part and parcel of life. we put on a show where curtains will draw up and down whenever the sun rises and sets down. this is definitely a vicious cycle, till the very last day where god decided to let you off for a long retirement. :]

anyway, i had a long day. afternoon lecture, was late for almost an hour and went for long self declared break. planning of group projects, going workplace, slacked there, waited for ben and headed home. i'm kinda turned off by Alex today. i'm not angry, just feel kinda i-don't-know-how-to-describe.

by the way, Alex is my classmate, and we happened to bang into each other in the bus stop while waiting for the same bus to town. chatted our way through there and got to realised that he's going Takashimaya (which was my destination too), and learnt that he's there for the crazy toy sales at Taka Square. alright, so ya, trying to be nice, i lent him the discount card. but he came back pulled a long face that he encountered some problems and was unable to use it. well, what to do, somethings just surfaced so sudden that i couldn't do anything too. but it was fine when my colleagues used it? strange right? and yup, there's another thing. i think there's some miscommunication between us when he took down my number. i mean, he tried contacting me, but couldn't get through. after much arguments, we came to realised that the number he dialed was wrong and i could read from his expression that he was rather unhappy (especially over the card). and he was so firm that i gave him the wrong number. i don't deny that possibility but, there are others like, he listened to the message wrongly or keyed them wrongly or whatsoever. i don't know. i just couldn't be bothered, it just don't pay well to be good, most of the time.

schedule was super hectic lately. work, school and projects are enough to handle. i'm like having 5 projects on hand inclusive of my graduation project which comes later. i'm enjoying school more these days, perhaps it has to do with the module i'm taking now, or with the people i'm hanging out with? but whatever it is, i feel blessed with the girls around, and yup, being able to work things out. :] hope to finish up our projects in time and i have faith that we're gonna do well.

and ben was scolding me, telling me to love myself more by finding my dignity and pride back. but sadly, i was brought up believing that love cannot be measure using your ego / pride / dignity. i only know that ego and stuffs will bring you down if you use them wrongly. he knows i'm doing fine without him around, but i'm not gonna prove to him that i can do better just to get my ego back. if i can, i would do it and people would see it for themselves. i don't have to prove or deliberately come up with something to let him know. i don't have to and i'm proud of myself for everything i've done. and proving so hard is plain sick and redundant. so what if you manged to impress everyone with what you have. it's still their brain, they perceive things the way they want to, they create their own perceptions towards you. there's no way you can control them over their mind. so i choose to let them be what they want, they might be happier that way. while i do what i want. you can call me stupid / fool / faithful / obstinate / unable to move on. it don't concern me as long as i don't think that way and i know myself best. i love what what i want, i do what i want. i'm happy THIS way. if gossiping behind my back makes your day. it shall be my pleasure then. be my guest. :]

i realised i've stop posting stuffs on my daily event. please allow me to summarize them. :)

sunday

back at work, gossipping sessions. had supper with An An, her boyfriend - Gary and her friend, Happy. fun loving people, enjoyed myself at the rochor's bean curd stall. happy drove me home after that. thanks leh, old man. :x

Monday

late for advertising lecture, lecture overlooked our schedule and got re-planned. saw Eddie in school, crap. i hate him. went Vivo for lunch with ame after short briefing over graduation project and went home. went out with An An, Anglea, Gary and Happy. Hopped on to happy's car and went a pool bar situated in bugis area. Learnt pool from the guys. Especially Happy, thanks. but i'm still not into yet. lol. went for supper at geylang with them. ate dim sum and went home. again, thanks to Happy who's always so gentlemen who drives me about.

the supper session reminds me of how we used to have this roti prata session almost every weekend. with you, shawn, jia lun and some other guys. but i guess, all these have fallen apart. we won't sit together to eat anymore, we won't laugh and talk rubbish our night away, you'll stop ordering food of me, i'll stop hitting and scolding you, we can't bicker using our endless logic and perceptions. in short, i just have so much to miss about you. and do you know that?

Tuesday

AGAIN, late for Journalism and news broadcasting lecture. swear to make it a point to attend his lecture punctually next time round. love Mr Padham thoroughly. he's a man of great spirit that he made himself so influential to his students. he used to be a news broadcaster / reporter. and i'm so inspired by him that i took back what i gave up on. i know working in this field is gonna be taxing and tough. but heck man, i'm gonna work towards what i want. i lost and exchange so many things in life. i sacrificed myself for the man i love most, now i won't do it for my dreams. i'm doing what i want this time round. i'm gonna make it =D

saw Eddie again in school. he chased me all the way just to say a HI! haha, how "funny". dumb ass. pestered me at night just to have a short phone call with me. got fucked by me and was literally screaming my head off during the call. in the end and telling me how much i meant to him and how much he wanted to draw us nearer. com'on, wake up. i'm done with you and please get off my back. you know you're not my cup of tea and i only love one guy. don't bother stopping me from loving him and don't think that given your calibre you can replace him. it's not you're bad, just that i don't know how to appreciate you okay. sorry. you can't even hold a candle, so stop your wishful thoughts of yours. and i don't have to be NICE and passionate to you. slap you.

went home straight and sleep my way through. of course, i started working on my project. i learn to be more disciplined now.


Wednesday

Public Relations lecture, late for an hour, took an hour long break and went home after lesson. couldn't care much cause it was HAWIBI again. yeah, just great isn't it? she really rocks my ass, always without fail. and i think PR is gonna be a tough one.

supposed to meet Happy for dinner before flying to china for his business trip, but was feeling bad and stuffs, so turned him down in the end. i'm sorry about that. had a heart to heart talk with him online yesterday. i don't know why i'd open up to him, but i guess he just that thing that earns people trust. especially people like me who's always defensive about themselves. thanks leh, i really don't know how to thank you for everything.

anyway i hope you can hear what i said to Happy yesterday night. i just want you know everything single thing about me. just wanna assure you with my deepest secret, but i doubt you would even listen out even if you're give the chance to. you'll just turn skeptic when it comes to my word. what to ask for when i can't even earn your basic trust.

Thursday

things right above and Happy went China. and his sms are sweet.
;) brightens me up.

anyway, you use to do it too, remember?


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alright. it's getting late and it's time to kiss my blogger good night.
will be blogging late, schooling and working tomorrow.
take care!

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