Saturday, August 11, 2007

Mood: netural, pissed
Time: 9.42pm

Dear Diary,

i think happy couldn't be any more right, love turns ugly when expectation sets in. when it comes to love in this case, i'm generalizing over here. Jo upsets me on thursday when we were at ngee ann city coffee bean doing our public relations projects. perhaps i was being too demanding over here, cause i couldn't detect a single non verbal traits that she's was with me when i was prompting her to do some work.

i was practically asking her to give me her report planning or report structure so i could give her a detailed research in return but she was there like half a sleep or trying to patronized me, like telling me it's okay, she will do the report in accord of what i gave her. she's just so distracted and was like peeling my laptop protector from my seat. and that highly irritates me. i hate people who has itchy hands but everyone are different in their own ways and i'm trying to be understanding over here and all i wanna do things right cause of us are working and there isn't much free them to spare to keep redoing everything over again. and for this, i doubt i'm wrong. seriously.

i don't know if she knows i'm pissed off by her taking things to easy attitude. i'm not saying that this is bad, it's okay cause this is her and i accept and love her as my friend for that, but she can't possible be so relax throughout isn't it? she missed our first practical lesson in mass communication studio today, and i'm so disappointed over that. i think she seriously needs to prioritize her work, especially drawing a clear line between academic, work and religion. i know it's not easy to juggle them around, but i believe she can do better than that. because i and ame are improving as time passes.

i'm still upset with ben. i'm not angry, just feel that when he expects something from me, he's controlling me and it really makes me feel like my privacy has been invaded. i've been extremely close with ben for like about 5 months, but he just can't get me at all. he knows what i love and hate and vice versa, but he just can't stop crossing the line. he's fine cause i've let down my expectation towards him, cause i know he don't deserve my desires. he knows it well if i've done so or not.

believe it or not. i have been trying so hard to be myself, learning to love someone silently and secretly, trying to excel in school and projects, trying to earn more money, working hard at work, trying to have good quality fun all day long. i love my life now, cause things seems full. i can't tell if i've grown up a little more or whatsoever. but i can share is, i've been happy. however, there are always the existence of people who are out here denying my happiness, my endless efforts. they are denying me and everything about me in one breathe. it's kinda sad, but it's alright, i'm living here not to prove that i'm doing well. but i'm here to tell you that i can be something great, and the effort i spent on now is definitely gonna pay off. just stop imposing your expectations on me, cause i won't give a damn unless i feel i'm oblige to. like i once said, who are you to judge me. when you're not even the my dear ones. you're merely a friend, a passer by. you don't know me well, no, you don't so therefore, stop acting like you know. stop denying me. cause i'm not denying you.

loved on 1:06 PM