Saturday, September 29, 2007

Tuning: Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word - Blue
Time: 9.50pm
Mood: Broken

i kept interrogating myself since the first time my love was broken. i asked myself, does this man, this relationship worth me waiting, worth me crying over? i carried myself through the hardest times - those sleepless nights, those days when nothing could make me regain my appetite. those hurtful words, those callous words, kept flashing through my mind, i grit my teeth, i pulled myself together. i made it through by believing in patience. i believe being patient enough, god will blessed me with another chance to made up for what i've lost.

yes, god bless those who believed in him. but it was taken away from me right away. but without knowing the reason this time round. i don't know what i did, i wish i could have done something. i didn't had seen it coming. i really gave my best, i really did what all i could. in between, i went through a lot of dispute with him. he was merciless, towards me, towards himself. he left me alone, to face those pain, those agony, those dilemma. i tried to understand despite the fact i was devastated and disappointed for what he brought me through. in the end, i forgave him wholeheartedly. just because i trusted him so much, that he really have his reason for doing so. but it abused it, every time i try to reach out for him, try to care for him, he would just brush me off with that hostile attitude, that cold-less side of him. perhaps, he felt nothing. but it's a lot to me.

every little thing that i did for him, he would accused me, over my selfish reasons. i don't know i'm such low down person. someone who totally sucks to the core. i don't ask for anything in return, i just hope he could return to his true self. and one day he will learn that the one who really loves him is me. i don't deny i wish we could get back together. another blow hit me again, he's actually in love with another girl. someone who was used by him to hit my self worth, someone i was used to compared. i understand that love cannot be ordered. i don't blame him, but i blame myself for being too obstinate, unable to let him go. he did he part by asking me to go, it was me who preferring degrading myself, by clinging on to him all the time. i guess i must be the ultimate pests in his eyes.

i went through so much, with, without him. at many times, he should be there, but he's never there. i despise myself, i can hardly recognised myself now. the way i'm cheapening myself, makes me wanna mock at myself. i'm obviously humiliating myself. i hate myself, i blame myself. i hate the fact that i can't be what he want. i don't know if i can carry on, waiting for him. or waiting for his reason which he once promise to reveal. i don't know. i'm drained, feeling so unappreciated at the same time. i'm so afraid that i will stop forgiving him, i pray so hard that the day will never come. it's okay if my love get wasted. i don't wanna hate him. i don't know what else i can do, to salvage this or to get myself out of this mess. i know he don't worth my time, my effort, my love. i've tried letting go, thousand of times, but i always fail. i'm even losing patience with myself. this feeling sucks like hell.

i doubt we know each other. i'm not very sure either, i'm doubtful about it now. sometimes it seems we do, sometimes we don't. i wonder if i have really known him. i feel so pathetic, to know little details of his life, i've to get them through the words of mouth of my friends. it seems i'm missing out a lot on his friend. i meant a lot to me. i know it won't matter if he's missing out on me too. am i loving the old him, or the him i've known along, or i've never love him. enlighten me.

i want a way out of this. i don't wanna see my puffy eyes, i don't wanna get my moods damped anymore. tell me what it takes to let you go. don't let me go if you still love me. let me go if you don't.

Unfaithful - Rihanna

Story of my life,
Searching for the right,
But it keeps avoiding me.
Sorrow in my soul,
Because it seems like one,
Really loves my company.

He's more than a man,
And this is more than love,
The reason that the sky is blue.
The clouds are rolling in,
Because I'm gone again,
And to him I just can't be true.

And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful,
And it kills him inside,
To know that I am happy,
With some other guy.
I can see him dying.
I don't wanna do this anymore,
I don't wanna be the reason why,
Everytime I walk out the door,
I see him die a little more inside.
I don't wanna hurt him anymore,
I don't wanna take away his life.
I don't wanna be...A murderer.

I feel it in the air,
As I'm doing my hair,
Preparing for another date.
A kiss upon my cheek,
As he reluctantly,
Asks if im gonna be out late.
I say I won't be long,
Just hanging with the girls,
A lie i didn't have to tell.

Because we both know,
Where I'm about to go,
And we know it very well.

'Cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful,
And it kills him inside,
To know that I am happy,
With some other guy.
I can see him dying.
I don't wanna do this anymore,
I don't wanna be the reason why,
Everytime I walk out the door,
I see him die a little more inside.
I don't wanna hurt him anymore,
I don't wanna take away his life.

I don't wanna be...A murderer.

Our love,
His trust,
I might as well take a gun and put it to his head,
Get it over with.

I don't wanna do this,
Anymore,ooooooh,anymore.
I don't wanna do this anymore,
I don't wanna be the reason why,
And everytime I walk out the door,
I see him die a little more inside.
I don't wanna hurt him anymore,
I don't wanna take away his life.
I don't wanna be...a murderer.

Oooh.A murderer.
No,no,no.Yeah,yeah,yeah.

Good Girl Gone Bad - Rihanna

We stay moving around solo
Ask us where you at
We don’t know and don’t care (don’t care)

All we know is we was at home cuz you left us there
You got your boys and got gone and left us all alone
Now she in the club with a freaky dress on
Cats dont want her to keep that dress on
Tryna get enough drinks in her system
Take her to the telly and make her a victim
Patrone on the brain
Ball Player in her face
They shake the spot
She’s just another case

Easy for a good girl to go bad
And once we gone
Best believe we gone forever
Don’t be the reason
Don’t be the reason
You better learn how to treat us right
Cuz once a good girl goes bad
We done forever

He stay with the flock of em o ya
Got a girl at home but he don’t care
Won’t care(Won't care)
All he do is keep me at home
Won’t let me go no where
He thinks because im at home
I won’t be gettin’ it on

And now im finding numbers
In the jacket pockets
Chicks calling the house
Non-stop It’s getting out of control
Finally I can’t take no more
He finds a letter on the stairs
Saying this is the end I packed my bag and left with your best friend,

Oh Easy for a good girl to go bad
And once we gone
Best believe we gone forever
Don’t be the reason
Don’t be the reason
You better learn how to treat us right
Cuz once a good girl goes bad
We done forever

We stay moving around solo
Ask us where you at
We don’t know
And don’t care (don't care)
All we know is we was at home cuz you left us there
You got your boys and got gone and left us all alone,
Oooooh

Easy for a good girl to go bad
And once we gone
Best believe we gone forever
Don’t be the reason
Don’t be the reason
You better learn how to treat us right

Cuz once a good girl goes bad
We done forever
We done forever
We done forever

loved on 1:36 PM