Saturday, January 26, 2008

Spinning: Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis
Time: 11.49am
Mood: Depressing

i'm not okay if you ask, but i won't be giving up easily. i promise.

i felt that god created day and night, a sun, a moon and millions of stars for a reason. A sun that gives off heat to brighten up our lives and also to gear us up for a day of challenges ahead. A moon and countless of beautiful stars to cool us down after a hard day.

life was never easy. but growing up makes it tougher. Leading a sheltered life since young, i find myself more vulnerable and frail emotionally and morally. moderated protection is good, too much is harmful. Needless to say, it has made me very reliant on others. i used to depict life as something perfect and nothing could be as beautiful as this. Envious, jealousy was what i received from others, being so blessed in a rather well off family. my needs and wants were well taken care off. there's nothing much that could troubled me at all.

but as days goes, as my mentality changes, as maturity sets in. dissatisfaction existed in my life. Demanding and a perfectionist by nature, i wanted more and things are no longer enough. gradually, being exposed to the society made me discovered that a part of me was missing and crying out for something. then, i know what i needed wasn't material comfort although i wouldn't deny that i do enjoy them to a very large extend. but they are not everything, they can't complete you, they don't give you genuine happiness.

and who says god is unfair? who says god does no justice? god does actually, look around you and pay more attention to your surroundings, your happenings in life. life's never perfect but for sure, everyone are bestowed with an equal amount of positive and negatives in life. inevitable i would say but this is life. the world rotates this way.

life isn't appealing anymore. i couldn't wait to get over it. expectations turns me off, cause it's restricting me too much. unexpectancy freaks me out cause i'm never once prepared for it. disappointments comes after another and it tortures and kills me on the inside. words are amazing thing that allows each individuality to interact but are misused to hurt each other. giving too much and not receiving something in return makes one worn out. negative thoughts makes us wanna give up.

there something i learn from reading. there's something known as the tensions of opposites and it applies very much to life. in cases where you wish certain things wouldn't happen, it would just occur. the more you hate something, the more it will appear in your life. i'm no longer a Christian, but having Christian friends around are a great blessings. they never fail to encourage you to walk on. On New Year celebration, Elaine and i had a heart to heart talk. She told me god would always put you up on a challenge on your daily life until he thinks you're ready for a higher level of life. naming an example, she shared that she has limited patience in the past and god made her go through a journey on this shortcomings of hers. there were many occasion where she has to wait, testing her patience. after a few assessment from god, she overcame it. from her, i learned life is about overcoming factors that will hinder you from moving on the right track.

too frequently, when nothing is mentioned, we assumed that its existence isn't there. sometimes, when things are not racked up, it doesn't necessary meant that it's not being felt, not being concerned. i don't know how many people out there knows how it feels like to regret, knowing that in this lifetime, you'll never get a chance to rectify that matter again. to be frank, i hate words such as rectify, make up, salvage cause they always come too late. anyway, i was trying to say was, because of recklessness and impulsiveness back then, i did something unforgivable. even being real apologetic now doesn't helps at all anymore. committing man slaughtering is killing someone physically, it punishable by law and the price you pay for murdering is your life. but how do you pay for killing someone spiritually, emotionally and morally? it's not an unlawful but inhumane. you made someone lost himself, you caused a death. knowing there isn't a way to change things, you can only reproach yourself, every day. this is my regret, the reason why i hate myself, the reason why i cry every night before i sleep. i'm responsible for my own actions.

when events of life cause a huge impact of you, it changes your attitude and your style of doing things. i built walls around me, like a crab who withdraw into it's shell in times of troubles and pain. the triggered fear, painful memories are always right before you. the phobia you can't escape. therefore i chose to be mindful and meticulous in everything in do, making sure i will be doing my best and giving what i have. perhaps i'm too cautious and that explains why i lost you.

kelvin, i'm very forthright and not good with words and hiding my real emotions. and there are so much in me about us that can't be expressed in forms of words. i don't know how to get those emotions to you either. i don't know why you chose an exist as a form of solution. i really don't understand what i did to stress you again. believe me, it was unintentionally and unknowingly. you've clarified too many times that you don't want unnecessary stress, i really get it and i know it by heart. somehow i think my insecurities affected you again. right or wrong, i have no idea. i'm not getting myself an excuse, i'm not seeking an alibi to get away for what happened. i committed something and i'm responsible for it. but at least, give me a reason before sentencing me a death penalty.

i don't know if it's the only way out to our problems or there are alternatives. i gotta be honest, i'm really lost, i helpless, i'm at the crossroad. if you think your decision would do us best, i would accept it willingly. if you think you really wanna go, i won't keep you. if you think you wanna stay, i will be here with you. i promise to get through think and thin with you and you have my words now. just want you to understand that i did try, i can't tell you how much cause it can't be measured and i'm still trying hard. it might not be doing a good job, but please witness my effort, don't condemn it. i can't comprehend why things turned out this way, i believed we were okay. i still can't get it, what actually when wrong. please enlighten will you?

Lyrics for now.

Closed off from love
I didn’t need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you’re frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone’s looking round
Thinking I’m going crazy

But I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing’s greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I’m going crazy, maybe, maybe

But I don’t care what they say

I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I....

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it’s draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I’ll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I....

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I....

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love

loved on 5:51 AM