Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Spinning: All Around Me - Flyleaf
Time: 1.49pm
Mood: mixed

who shall i blame? my PMS or him? i always suffer from slight emotion disorder whenever i'm having PMS. i either become too insecure, paranoid or allow my emotional and thoughts to run too wild.

i spent my Saturday with him. met up with his friends at pub then to Dempsey to dine. slept over at his house. went home in the morning to prepare for work.

anyway, a few days back he suggested that i should stay over his house for good. i know it's more convenient to travel from his house to school. but i don't think it would be nice because i would be neglecting my family. i think stay over once or twice a week is a better option. after all, i'm not ready to cohabit, or rather a so called one.

somehow, i feel if i were to move over, more conflict will surface. i already hate the fact that you call kelvin by his car name. which is fucking rude and turn off for me. it's not because i still love him, and whether i do have feelings for him still, they are not the issue over here. the concern here is about respecting him as my friend though we've already broken up. it's mannerism to call someone by his name. if not, why are everyone named by their parents right? i dislike it when u say " eh, that euro r .... " what if one day, someone calls you by your car's name? how would you feel by then. i don't like the way whenever you see a Accord on the road, you just gotta cut his lane or whatever shit. kelvin is kelvin, what car he drives and others who happen to owe the same car are all separate issues.

i know you are unhappy with me and kelvin. i know i made you upset over kelvin. but what shouldn't happen had already did. what am i suppose to do. i apologized, i seek for your forgiveness, promise to prove you and do better in the future, i guess there isn't much i can do further. if bearing grudges makes you happy, by all means, go ahead.

and please stop accusing me. i've got nothing to hide. not sharing your existence to my parents, not bring you home to stay over doesn't mean i got another party or i have something hiding from you. it's just that the time is not ripe yet. i will do what i should when the time comes. alright?

maybe i should decline your offer for a short getaway. apparently, given the current state, i don't feel good about us. maybe i'm over sensitive and stuffs. i just feel something missing or have gone wrong. you can say i'm thinking too much. but those emotions just cannot be eliminated.

somehow, you made me feel that one day if you were to lose me, it's not gonna be a biggie to you. you got lots of girls throwing themselves at you, i witnessed that. that's why you keep saying certain things to me. well, more or less you should know, i'm not that kind of girl who would cry over a spilled milk. i do cry and stuffs. but eventually, i'm gonna move on and continue believing i will find better guys around. it's not that i don't love you, it's that in the course of growing up and it's pain, i learned to take things easy and on stride. maybe we're too alike, that's why i'm feeling the lack of importance of me in your life. or even perhaps i do give you an impression that i would go if i have a better catch. or you still find me too young or due to my personality, i'm not ready for commitments. i told you i didn't wanna get tied down at this moment. honestly, other than getting into a long term relationship, i've never give anything else beyond a consideration. i just wanna concentrate on working out of my current work and my advanced diploma and my oncoming university programme. i don't want anything to disrupt the route that i've laid out for myself.

you're very sweet and lovely when you're are. you always take the initiative to tell me you'll change what i dislike and ask me to give you time, say you will treat me better and stuffs. it's really good to see that you've changed somethings already. but when you turn ugly over kelvin's stuffs, it really strain our relationship. i admit that i do have a big part to play. but i guess it's not worthy to put our relationship at stake over someone in my past.

gimme some time to sort things out.
i don't know what am i thinking either.

loved on 5:18 AM