Friday, May 30, 2008

Spinning: What's Left Of Me - Nick Lachey
Time: 7.13pm
Mood: Vexed

i skipped three days of school in this week alone. i wonder what the hell am i thinking and trying to do. initially, i wanted to take a day off to let my hair down and enjoy my ass off. since i have been slogging my life away and recently, i think i'm in need of some life! however, good things always come to an end. gradually things changed, from laughter and happiness to betrayal, self questioning and being lost and now, not knowing which direction to head to. therefore, i choose to stay home so i could locked myself up from all unstoppable dramas. it's just less than a week, so many things happened, again. having made to go through all these turmoil like before. life's a vicious cycle i guess. now i'm all drained off, stuck and drowning into a whirlpool of mixed emotions. i don't know what am i thinking, i don't know what i want, what i wanna do about this situation.

i really don't have any idea... i don't think it's too much to ask for to have life a little more smooth sailing, a little more magnanmious towards me, allowing me to practice i what preach and believe in. i don't wanna keep falling back into the same old temptation. find myself falling into a bottomless pit and struggling to get my feet back onto the ground. i don't wanna do any wrong anymore. i don't wanna hurt and get people affected anymore. it's not the first time, in fact it has been too many times. i want this to be the last time and i mean it, seriously.

i came to realize that such repetition are really unforgivable and i'm never firm enough to resist. was i too indecisive or too soft hearted to turn it down, or subconsciously, i wish a little actions at that moment could turn things around. how many wrongs can you make right? there are many things that cannot be rectify, what's done cannot be undone, what's broken cannot be mend. what the hell are you yearning for? how naive and gullible do you wanna be? enough is enough. stop being foolish and wake up. i need to stop giving way, i'll stand up for myself from now on. i don't have to go through all these shits.

i wanna gather all my strength to fight this.
it's straining me. i can live without it.
i just wanna be happy like a few days ago, where my days are carefree, having nothing to haunt me at all.

ps: i can feel it. i'm losing myself, i can barely recognized myself.
and i don't think it's some sort like identity crisis.
cause i've changed into a totally different person.

i need some hope, gimme some light and lead me a way out.
thank you.

loved on 7:25 PM