Friday, May 2, 2008

Spinning: Feels Like Tonight - Chris Daughtry
Time: 11.19am
Mood: Pissed

i think my mummy wants to kill me and get away with it. LOL, she actually offers me a pineapple which obviously will worsen my gastric problem. hee, kidding lah.

this post would be about something quite personal. i would be bringing up a few issues and that kinda involve a few of people. might get a little offensive and crude somewhere. i suggest you leave my blog if you get tend to get ugly and defensive when you see something you dislike.

something happened last night. between me and a rather good friend of mine. i'm sorry, but you really got me exploded. i don't know how much you guys know me. but base on my own understanding, it's quite unlikely that i would blow up in the presence of my good friends. i'm sorry girl. but you got me real affected this time round. i know you're having a hard time struggle through your own problems. i know you need someone there for you. i know you can't be like some of us, who are more independent kind of lady while you belong to the more reliant ones. but still i'm very upset by those sms you sent me. i feel you don't have to say those stuffs. it's not about being emotionally unstable, it the maturity level and the way you face a problem. anyway, if you have been following my blog closely, you should know i'm in the process of recovering from a rather serious illness. and this is a real crucial period for me. i need aplenty of rest, i can't afford to have anymore stress pilling up. i can't be having extreme feelings. like this minute i'm really angry and next moment i'm feeling real happy. do you know what happened yesterday? you got my gastric in pain. if you want to seek my understandings and empathy, i hope it's something mutual.

i believe me and your other friends have advised you regarding your problem. it has been months. it has been months you've been sharing your happiness, your pain, your anxiety with us. you've also heard us giving you countless of advices, suggesting what's good and what's not for you. of course, there's no obligatory that you need to heed what you were being advised. but there's nothing we can do if you just wanna get yourself in this state. been too many times you told us you know what's exactly has been going on, but you choose to sink yourself in. sorry, if you don't wanna help yourself, we can't help you either. honestly, this is how much we can do for you. i told you obstinate won't get you anywhere, but you still wanna do what you insist, then sorry by all means go ahead and get yourself hurt. i won't stop you, i did try helping you, but just that you chose to cut those awful but truthful words out of your life. everyone is consistently moving on , time waits for no one. if this is the path you choose, i respect you. you need attention, care and love, we can only give you tad much because we have all other stuffs in life to handle. our whole life and routine don't just revolve you. you can call me selfish, you can even label me as someone not a friend to be with. it's okay, but as you get older, this is what life is about. you barely have a few good friends, even if you do, they will slowly become too busy for you. and acquaintances and normal friends are known as networking, not what you call friends or hi bye friends.

and i'm seriously busy. you might think it's an excuse for not replying or making any phone calls. i used to think that way when it happened to me and kelvin. but now, i seriously believe it's possible. i don't even have sufficient time to rest which is essential for my recovery, i don't even have time to accompany my boyfriend, i don't have time to go out with my family, all i could do is stay at home and spend that littlest time i can spare with them, i have work to go also. i have studies to juggle too, i need to get my major projects done, revision to do, i have a school commercial project to fight for and my exam falls in late june and i need to start my revision soon. do you think i'm really tad free? now when i wanna go do some shopping, i do a quick one alone, cause meeting up with friends to do it is real time consuming. and now i do it after school so i can go home earlier. do you know i have been missing out on a lot of friends and colleagues? i miss them more than you know. there were so many times where i wanna send them a word of concern but was too caught up with stuffs and got them clean forgotten?

do you know how busy i am? you can read them, i can describe and write them here. but how does it exactly feels, you don't know and never know. i'm under tremendous stress, more than you think you know. it's coming from all directions. i'm so serious about academic because i only wanna make it to SIM and the chances of getting admitted is rather slim unless you do very well. i'm constantly fighting with time. my health now is a hindrance, it makes me tired all the time, it drains my energy, i need to sleep earlier, which means i have lesser time to accomplish more things. how could you accuse me of avoiding you? when i did not reply your sms the previous day when busying doing project in the middle of the night when i ought to be sleeping which was what the doctor instructed me to do. and did not reply your sms which was less than an hour you sent it to me the next day. you even went the extend of calling me until the phone gets engaged after not replying two of your sms within a short time frame. and it really got me flared up to see another sms sent after you hang up the phone call. do you know what you do is a form of adding stress to others and it's a pain in my ass when i see you doing that. sorry to say this, but i really feel this way. stop your baseless accusation, the fucking world love to make assumptions about me and jump to conclusion based on what they fucking think using their fucking pea brain. all these no brainers. anyway, fuck, have you all spare a thought for me and know how it feels like to me in my shoes? will landing myself in hospital makes you all happy? must you guys gossip behind my back and start stupid rumours about me, or keep trying to push me off the cliff, keep demanding my time and attention when i have no excess to share.

and when i did show my concern, don't take them for granted. you go straight to the point, don't talk rubbish to me. i know you're trying to show concern and love, but this is not the way. okay? i'm really hard up for time, energy and focus. when i show understandings, i expect i have it back the right way like how i gave it to you. please don't drive me to the corner, i don't know how bad things would get.

sorry if this is too crude and harsh for you to take. but i really cannot take it anymore.

ps: sorry for the errors, i've just rectified them. =D

loved on 3:01 AM