Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Spinning: Lately - Kci and JoJo
Time: 7.41pm
Mood: Joyful

i hate myself for loving you.
each time i fall, you're never there for me.
every time i try leaving, you're at the other end, holding me back.

just came back from ikea with my parents. spent 300 bucks on curtains and some little things. =) i love ikea, they've got lots of creatively design and practical stuffs there. i'm so going back to get more photo frames, chair, and paintings. =)

today after school, on the way to meet my parents, i came across this ah beng and ah lian wannabe, thinking they are some big shot and cool. perhaps at their age, being bully is some very happening activity. i've been through and got over such stages in the path of growing up. i use to think playing truancy, being defiance, being rude and smoking, doing whatever shits that are considered bad makes you more popular among peers and people.

now i beg to differ, i think. being cool is about being nice to people, showing love and care unconditionally, successful, street smart (better still, book smart too) and the list go on. so while walking there, i was thinking to myself. what do i exactly want in life. give me one day, i can share every details with you. from my dream house, that penthouse located right beside Robertson quay river, to my expectation of my house interior design and each piece of furniture, to my dream car, what i'm gonna do, such as driving to malaysia so i can speed like no business, to my ideal career, what i wanna be in the corporate world, how successful i wanna be. but a realization burst my beautifully planned life, where's the man of my love. how come i've never dream of him. how come i've never try including the future him into the picture?

i use to have a long list of expectation of how my ideal boyfriend / husband should be. what are the do(s) and don't(s). graudually, when people step in and out of my life, i learnt one lesson. when expectations sets in, things bounds to get ugly. whereby you realize this particular person isn't what you behaving or being the person you think he ought or should be, you start losing hope, you start to turn your back against him. the next valuable lesson - acceptance. loving a person means accepting who they are deep down inside. i didn't mind, even something i should have accepted, i did so too. i thought that's how he would know how much i really do appreciate him, in the end, what i gotten back in return was something real atrocious. now, been hurt real badly twice, i'm sick and tired of going hunting around. to the extend of bothering to open my eyes wide enough to check out a guy, or having a second look. just can't be bothered anymore. seriously, what's mine will be mine. there's no way you can escape from what's meant to be yours, you know. =)

ps: you know how significant you're in my life. for years and till now.
:)

loved on 11:07 AM