Monday, June 9, 2008

Spinning: Don't Speak - No Doubt
Time: 4.15pm
Mood: devastated

THIS IS A VERY PERSONAL POST AND I WISH TO GAIN SOME RESPECT FROM MY READERS AS THIS CONCERN MY PERSONAL LIFE AND INVOLVING SOME PARTIES. I WANNA TO PROTECT AND BE FAIR AND TO ALL THE PARTIES MENTIONED BELOW (AS THERE MIGHT BE INACCURACIES DUE TO DIFFERENT FRAMES OF THOUGHTS AND PERSONAL BELIEFS) WHILE I'M ABLE TO PRACTICE MY SPEECH FREEDOM HERE. I WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE IF YOU READERS WOULD JUST READ THIS PARTICULAR POST SOLELY FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT AND CURIOSITY PURPOSES. I DON'T WISH TO HAVE MY PERSONAL LIFE BEING PROBE OR BECOMING A TOPIC FOR PUBLIC DISCUSSION. PLEASE DON'T ASK IF I'M FINE AND STUFFS. I WILL FIGURE MY WAY OUT. AND I DON'T WANNA REPEAT MYSELF ANYMORE, WHAT HAS TO BE SAID AND TOLD ARE ALL WRITTEN HERE.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR KIND CONSIDERATION. =)

why did you have to break my heart this way?
 why must you abused my forgiveness again and again?
 what am i to you? a worthless piece of shit?
 i swear what i was feeling was true.
why do you act like you care, why act like you love me?
 am i too stupid to fall for it or you are a skillful actor?
i can't read your mind and there's nothing i can do.
if all along you really didn't feel anything towards me, then i'm terribly sorry for loving you. thanks for your mixed signals and interpreting the way i want it to be.



i remember the very last time i cried was on valentine's day, the day i decided to break up with kelvin. from then on, if any relationship issues were to struck me, no matter how badly. i would keep real quiet about it, i would bottom them up, both my thoughts and tears, didn't allow them to flow out of me. i don't wanna be weaker. i hate and had enough of being so vulnerable.

i don't know what term could best describe my unconditional love or my ultimate stupidity. if the most miserable and pathetic reasons i could received from a person, that would definitely be his.

he said, a 27 years ago guy should prioritize his career first and i believe. when he say it's inconvenient to bring me home because his mother just passed away, i'm silly enough to buy his piece of story. when he say his really busy and has no time to answer my phone calls and reply my sms, i decided to stay unshaken and trust him wholeheartedly when everyone tells me it's impossible. sometimes, i'm foolish enough to believe that he will call me when he say so, i actually waited for days and nights but was in vain. when he said he didn't have time to accompany out, i kept quiet, even when i realized he was consistently out with other girls. he complaint that i wasn't lady like enough and suggest that i wear dress, so i went hunting and try my best to carry it off. when he's experiencing finical difficulties, i offered to help and pay for my expenses. there were many times he wanted me to go, but i insisted to stay and promised to be there for him, through thick and thin and no matter what it takes. and i didn't spend my x'mas and new year eve with him. he left me alone at home while he's out there partying with different girls. gradually, i find this tiring me out, finding this an empty pursuit. therefore, i've decided to force and encourage myself to go out there and get someone new. i definitely deserve better. cause i know he's having someone else outside. and no lady in the world are willingly to share their man.

after we broke up. he came back a couple of times. first it broke me and kenny up. second, gordon. it's not his fault, it's me who was too soft hearted all along, thinking that giving up certain things would get him back in exchanged. i swayed, i wasn't firm in my stands. but as time goes, i realized, meeting me up was something he does to kill time. telling he misses me and hopes to have me back is something he says and never mean it. initially, i did thought about it, am i gonna put myself through this vicious cycle again. until i manged to dig out the past from him, he didn't admit it, but common sense tells. how am i gonna trust this man whom i loved dearly once, how am i gonna entrust my love and myself to such a man who cheats behind my back. and after he's done with his affairs, he expects me there, to take him back. how am i supposed to forgive, especially when that lady had his child. it's not the first and won't be the last.

i find this a disgust now. whenever he tries to hug me, reaching out his hands to hold mine. it turns me off whenever he ask if i misses him. he tells me this certain place brings him fond memories of us and would definitely remind him of me. all these words never meant a thing to him at all, never once. frequent contacts with him made me see through a side i've never seen. the player. he has been going out with different girls when he tells me he's so caught up with his career and has insufficient sleep everyday. he sleeps with them and dump them and carry on looking for his new prey. when i came to a realization, i'm glad he didn't play me out like how he did to others, but i'm upset that i actually gave my love to such a jerk like him.

i may have given him up for other guys. i might have sacrificed some for him. but it's all over. really over. anyone in their right state of mind, would never keep such a guy in their life. he doesn't know what he's losing out, so what's about the materials and big bucks he earns? they are nothing. nothing can beat how superficial it is. i won't allow you to hurt me anymore. to think that i actually sincerely hope for the day you would reform. don't lie when you say you fear i would cheat on you, fear that i would leave you for another man, it's just another excuse that you created for yourself to cheat behind my back. whether i'm gonna get into a university and get more exposures are two different issues. whatever, it seriously don't mean a shit now.


When a chapter closes, another unfolds.


i think, only me in this world would naively believe that rainbow awaits you after a storm. but now, i'm going through another uproar of emotions instability. i'm feeling quite numbed at this stage, my tears have dried up. from those countless hours of crying, self approaching, getting mad at myself, they still aren't suffice to make me feel better and i know there are more rounds ahead. i know i shouldn't let emotions get the better of me and my work. but i don't wish to breakdown in front of everyone. for 2 years, i'm being pushed down, trying hard to pick myself up. repeating this cycle for don't know how many times. from all those pain you brought into my life and scarring my love, my heart and my life. i can't help but to really breakdown and staying real defensive and extreme just to prevent anymore pains. i guess it's the suppression of emotions for a long period of time.

i'm obviously asking for it. why fall in love with someone whom once broke you heart into pieces? he put me through all these hardships, those depression which i finally got over with, now you cast me back here, back to square. now, i'm growing weaker as days goes, i'm losing my hopes. the trouble with me is i'm always in love with the wrong guy. i'm such a disgrace to all mankind. guess it's real. it's a break up, therefore it's called a break up. if things were to work out, break up wouldn't exist.

don't apologize, don't keep telling me you're sorry. cause it doesn't heal me inside. it doesn't stop me from breaking down, it doesn't ease the pain i'm growing through, it only makes me feel worse, i would only feel more miserable. so just stop apologizing, tell me some thing different, something new. you hurt me enough, don't use your apology to stab my bleeding heart anymore. i don't know much more i'm left with.

i don't know if it's me who got things wrong, or you are deliberately lying to me. i don't know, i can't tell. who's right and who's wrong now. perhaps, denial is me. lying is you. i don't know. why did you speak like that, why you reacted that like. i can't tell. since you say so, my bad. sorry for kicking a fuss, sorry for all those whining. i'm sorry. sorry, for loving you. whatever it is, you know it clearly what you've said and done. no point arguing, pin pointing this and that here. it's all said and done. the truth and answers just lies within us.

for what you said, this is my response. you were the one who claimed that you don't make use of people's feeling to fulfill your needs especially you know that person has feelings for you, you mentioned about taufik's case and it would definitely be different because of the feeling issue and so i guess you sort of knew because you knew it would be a totally different story for you and Tau. and you said there were times when i told you i couldn't choose between out of the 2 whom i really love, you asked if it was you. i thought from then you knew also. when you asked if i've made you a substitute, i didn't expect that it was a form of your curiosity. i didn't know you weren't bothered by that incident whereby i was out with him that night. when i asked if you're unhappy still, why did you tell me more or less, not upset, but bothered by the incident. when i explained, you said you don't know, you didn't know how to believe me and telling me time is the best remedy to this. you even said you need time to cool off and think what's best for us. you also mentioned that you shouldn't be so concern with who i go out and stuffs, i don't have the rights to do so?

ya, you weren't bothered by that incident. it's not your business also. so don't say it might be another he-doesn't-know kind of thing. since it doesn't bothers you at all. i won't play stupid games with you anymore, i won't ask you to guess what i'm gonna say next. cause i don't wanna hear you saying " i love you, good night " and since you want me to go back to him so much don't phrasing your words so beautifully. don't say you don't mind having my company but if you have someone else i rather you go. tell me, go back. i would get the entire idea you're trying to get across to me. you said it could be me denying your distant, i don't think you have been showing it to me, or rather in a more obvious manner if you did. if you don't give a damn at all, then in the first place you should quite forcing me to share my thoughts with you and those stuffs in my blog right? don't act like you care. DON'T when you have none to begin with.

now you say i've mistaken. stop your crap and i'll stop mine. i wonder do you know what you said all these while? especially the ones i've mentioned above.

so you felt nothing, thanks. bottom line is we're friends, friends and friends. since after all, i'm nothing, and i'm just and only a friend to you, i've got nothing much to say. you got me leading on. got me manipulated. you fear me because of my changes. while i think i should fear you more and you know the reason very well.

so giving your hearts out, and this is the outcome.
every time. seriously. apply to him and him, the two guys i've loved the most.

time files like a speed of light.

just half way through 2008, and i'm defeated. drained mainly due to all the commotions from relationship wise, work, hectic schedules in life. i don't think i have much issues when it comes to friendship and family. and i thank god that i'm spared from them.

certain times, when you guys asked if i'm alright, me wearing a smile and brushing you off with a yes, thanks, totally fine, don't worry, doesn't mean i'm really tad okay. right now, there's no way i can say i think i'm doing fine. nah i just can't.

months ago, i had a cheated boyfriend, up next, i had an abusive partner who threatens me to hit me. when i want a separate way, he blackmail and threaten me, so badly that i almost turned to police to file a report. next, a guy whom i turned his love into hatred and been sowing discord between me and my ex good guy friend. and having a jerk coming back and off in between. well, and now this. i don't know. i really don't know.

maybe that the price of me being pretty much of a cheat, a player and an unfaithful girl. but on the other hand, i thought i'm a real faithful person. giving much thoughts, i think cheating is so much easier than staying faithful. and speaking of faithfulness, do you even get reward for doing so? in this world, you don't get reward according to how great you've done or achieved, but rather you're punished and accumulate credits for karma in accordance to your every act.

being real depressed and irrational right now, i would choose to be a cheater, someone who do bad things to harm or hurt people. than having being inflicted with pain and gotten myself in horrible states. yes, i'm out of my mind already. because i think i had enough of being a good girlfriend to some of my boyfriends. i know i did them out of my own willingness and when you love and do something for them, you shouldn't expect in anything in return. search your heart, do you seriously don't wish anything at all? that's quite impossible. i'm frank enough to tell you, but do bear a little hopes in such situations. are you being honest to yourself now?

anyway, being good generally in life also got you back-stabbed and being gossiped about, spreading rumours and awful false statements about you. i doubt i can find any good reasons to stay and play nice.

well, like i've written on the above. it's all said and done. no point harping. the truth lies within ourselves.

ps: i think i must have been the best actor. putting on a front like nothing happened, but feeling terrible inside. to think that i put up a good show, my mask actually right before the moment i turned my back and go off.

well that's what i have to say.

Don't Speak Lyrics, totally so relatable.

You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always
I really feel
That I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

Our memories
Well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening
As we die, both you and I
With my head in my hands
I sit and cry

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

It's all ending
I gotta stop pretending who we are...
You and me I can see us dying...are we?

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't tell me cause it hurts!
I know what you're saying
So please stop explaining

Don't speak,
don't speak,
don't speak,
oh I know what you're thinking
And I don't need your reasons
I know you're good,
I know you're good,
I know you're real good
Oh, la la la la la la La la la la la la
Don't, Don't, uh-huh Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush
don't tell me tell me cause it hurts
Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush don't tell me tell me cause it hurts

loved on 2:05 AM