Friday, July 25, 2008

Spinning: You Want To Make A Memory - Bon Jovi
Time: 12.35am
Mood: a little depressed

it has been quite something i last had a some quiet moment with myself. was real busy, up to my neck. exams, intensive revision, behaving like a walking zombie, going back to work straight after exam ended and starting a new term without any breaks. i think i'm dying in no time.

career / new age woman in the making? hell yes or no to that? i always perceived myself as a relatively strong woman. of course, not referring to physical wise. and up to date, i'm still dreaming of my very own career, setting a foothold in my industry, creating a name for myself and me alone, leaving a very ideal life with some good friends. now i guess good friends are eliminated from it. i can't help to feel helpless and hurt to know i've lost many of my friends in exchange of new life exposures and experiences, not forgetting personal growth. i'm not good at words when it comes to my heartfelt. i find it embarrassing to express my inner most feeling sometimes, i must be the typical chinese whom have trouble revealing their true self to others, choosing to hide everything in my heart. haha, well. certain things are better off kept. i feel.

anyway, i skipped school, both yesterday and today. i know i promised myself to make some changes to my laziness, but there's no way i can condone sviam's teaching methodology any longer. so i rather stay home and be more productive than spending my god damn 3 hours with him in lecture room. i feel myself withering like a flower whenever a minute passed.

just a week ago and yesterday. i went for interviews. one with estee lauder as a part time consultant, will be going for 4 full days of training before i'm qualified as a beauty consultant for their very established brand. * rolls eyes * as for the latter one, it's with naunce watson, at airport. have yet to decide, both jobs are quite stressing to an extend. i'll see how it goes, meanwhile, studies still tops my priorities. =)

he popped that question yesterday. i can't help but to really doubt if he meant the hell out of his heart, at all. if it was me back then, i reckoned i would be so overjoyed that i would have teared my eyeballs out. but yesterday, i wasn't feeling quite anything. a few explanations to this. (1) i'm too numbed about his commotions which he loves to stir in my life, (2) i've sort of given up on his hopeless promiscuous man - the loser philanderer (they are always losers anyway) i've ever known in my entire life. so far. period. (3) i've grown out and i'm totally enjoying singlehood. perhaps people who don't really know me well might think i'm a sucker for love. well , in certain circumstances, i profess i'm one. but then again, to some people, i just simply cannot be bother, at all and usually for good.

i guessed i'm no longer into racer kind of guys. i don't need 27 year old man anymore. i don't want guys who loves cars, who's too overly into his well achieved career, who has hell loads of materials. for now, i just want myself. just myself and my life will do. (goes without saying my parents and other loved ones) there's so much i wanna do right now, i wanna go ahead with what i've planned for myself. learning spanish, getting my job and the new environment right, start my revision early, do well for exams, get over with my graduation project, get a new pair of running shoes and refresh my night jog routine and so so so much more awaiting for me ahead. am i gonna let myself down now and go back someone whom i clearly know damn well that i won't have a future with him, UNLESS he change, which is fucking unlikely. whatever, really. one month of our own life and distant from each other, what more can i conclude from my days without you. I FREAKING THINK THAT I'VE NEVER FELT THIS GREAT BEFORE, ASSHOLE. bless my ass, thank god.

this is random. but i gotta say this. this was me back then, this is me right now. notice the differences?

just a couple of thing in me that hasn't change. i still love to standby my window with my earplug plugged into my ears, reminiscing all the memorable and beautiful moments i had with this certain someone. perhaps i've grown out of the phrase of trying out, falling in and out of love, trying so hard to find my mr right. or just maybe, this particular love and been pre/post-occupying (both is possible) this heart and soul of mine that i can no longer allow someone else in. thus, explaining the reason why my relationships always fails. by the way, not putting on that ring doesn't necessary mean i've let you go. i just happened to learn to love you, miss you, memorize you in another way, i realized. how do i ever deal with this, living a world where time is ever constant on the move, but my love and memories were never ever once shaken. 3 years and counting, love.

whatever it is, i'm just gonna live my days this way. listening and following my heart closely. do what i'm supposed to, miss and think of them like i'm told to do so. i'm just gonna be myself. i won't try suppressing anything, everything in me.

a couple of hundred pages to go to finish up my romance novel. though i consider myself rather mature (for my age), still i'm amazingly and stupidly enough to fall for such stories to the core. speaking of sucker... haha, i just love the way the author depicts love in such a flawless, breath taking manner. the way they just make you crave for love more. it's good to fantasize somethings uh? good for the brain i heard, haha.

getting a new good book to fill my days before the release of breaking dawn, the last sequel of twilight. =( anyway, i shall still praise my ass for one year had passed so quickly!

i know this is a little abrupt, gotta go catch up on my reading.
see you, won't be back for a couple of days.
till then!

loved on 1:23 AM