Saturday, December 6, 2008
Spinning: -
Time: 10.49pm
Mood: heartbroken
i never thought that growing up would be this tough.
it seems that as i grow up, i witness more illness, death around me.
i noticed some of my friend, acquaintances, relative are leaving me.
be it old or young.
i know it very well that people have to go, someday.
i took granted of my life, my loves, my possessions.
thinking that they each owes me a living and it's my rights.
i can't remember when i really fear life itself.
all the uncertainties, all the pain it brings.
i can't help but to cry whenever the thoughts of my parents leaving me for good sets in my mind every time.
i thought i made some changes.
and i promised i've been trying ever since my mother's operation.
because i know it too well that i can't afford to lose either of my parents.
never thought that this time round would be my dad.
never expected that he would end up in hospital.
i'm really worried and it feels really useless and helpless to be sitting here in front of my computer, crying, hoping that the medical report would turn out to be something positive.
i thought i made some improvements.
but after this incident, i realized what i did was nuts.
it wasn't anything to consider in fact.
i still took advantages of my parent's goodness.
sometimes when i'm late for school or work, i expect my dad to be there to drive me whenever i call.
i made him do silly errands for me when i can do it myself.
why didn't i take care of them when i could?
i really hate myself.
i visited him together with mummy today.
it seems like it has been ages since i last see him.
i don't know why, it just felt this way.
i guess it tells me i'm too much of a workaholic and i'm always not home spending enough time to look at him well.
somehow, i had a good look today.
and he looked somewhat better.
he's handsome still.
but he aged so much, he wasn't the young looking chap my mind use to register.
he look so tired now, as though as those fine lines at his foreheads tells how drained is he, being a perfect husband to my mother and being a perfect father to his daughter.
i could also see those white hair roots growing, and i just realized he's no longer an young man and i'm no longer a child.
we've grown, together with the time that never waits for us.
and i might just lose my parents anytime from now.
i know it yet i just let it be, never tried doing something to change a thing.
if i could have a chance again, i swear i'll rectify and turn it around. i will do it differently.
but it's all too late.
i promise i'll never meet kelvin up anymore.
i promise i'll never go out in the middle of the night to go racing with them anymore.
i promise i won't drink and get myself drunk anymore.
i promise i'll be more independent than now and never be that wild child anymore.
i promise i'll never try my tantrums around anymore.
i promise i'll listen to what you have to say and look at you everyday so i can remember how you look.
i promise i'll eat my meals at the dinning table instead of the living room.
i promise i'll accompany you both whenever i can.
i promise. i really promise you.
all i hope is this is gonna be something minor.
i don't mind take my life as a exchange, as long as my love ones are safe and well protected.
you have my words, God.
just give me a chance, please.
loved on 11:11 PM
