Friday, October 9, 2009

Spinning: Ai Tai Tong
Time: 9.13pm
Mood: calmed

i read john's revelation on facebook yesterday.
i think i know how it feels to be him.
cause we are very alike in some ways.

i always thought that silence is golden and have always chose to left many things unsaid. and i've always felt that it doesn't matter what people what to say, cause they never mean a thing to me for they are just some insignificant people in life.

i may be a chatterbox in many occasions. sprouting nonsenses, always wearing a smile wherever i go. but no matter how hard i try to hide, it's always at the back of my mind. no matter how hard i try to let it go, it's always there, at the back of my mind.

i believe everyone has its very own defense mechanism and it's how they get their days through. how many of us here dare to say that they are not wearing a mask in their daily lives? no, not me, i dare not say that. because i know i do. not that kind of hypocrite kind of mask, but mask that hide my deepest emotions.


but being silent doesn't mean you can abuse it. if you think you're right, come up and tell me. confront me. correct me. make it known. don't bitch behind my back. i hate it when people gets sneaky with me. i know many girls in my company has been bitching about me. saying that i'm always surrounded by different guys and i change them every now and then. it never really bothers me because they are just being too judgmental. thinking that they know it all. they can phrase it like a joke, but do you know that certain jokes you crack cuts people on the inside? do they know that certain senseless question they post are so heart piercing that makes you wanna cry?

and i have to admit that some my guy friends whom i'm in good terms with are making similar statements like them. i don't know what i've done to earn myself such a title. but i guess it's still quite alright afterall. i sort of know perceptions people are conceiving from me. in short, i'm just a player to them. i've heard the meanest thing ever, i've heard the worst curse people have cursed me with. it's okay, it's still fine.

it's bearable, still. sometimes it's not. i don't care about the assumptions they make. but i cannot take it when the ones i truly love don't give me the trust that i need from them. it pains me. not because the awful stuffs people said. it hurts because no matter how hard i try, i'm always being misunderstood for something which i'm not. because everytime i try to make something right, you people have to make it wrong for me.

i know someone who's exactly like me. we do the things we do. we even went through it together.
many a time, what you see may not necessarily mean it's the truth. you say we're players, we are a flirt. we are sluts, we are whores. whatever. but have you all people think that it's fair to label us without having to know us a little deeper? everyone has different sides, so do we, so do i.
do you all seriously think that it's fair to judge us like that?

were you all there when we cried? when we hugged each other in pub and cried? we drown ourselves with alcohols hoping that it could give us some comfort? were you people there to see us when we puking and wailing at the same time. you were not there. and yet you said that we're heartless. we play people out. if we were the one doing that, we won't be in pubs, making ourselves look like some fools.

if i'm a player, i won't be holding on until now. clinging on to the glimpse of hope that i thought was there. i won't be here, waiting for something happen. i won't be the last to know the truth either. i won't even be trying so hard to make him come back. i'm not trying to prove you people anything. nor am i trying to make you feel differently about me. i just want you to know that it's not fair, it really is.

loved on 10:51 PM