Time: 4.34pm

Mood: contented

X brought me to the doctor and he bought me food. he spent sometime with me at home before going off for his family function. he wanted to buy me the whole series of adrian mole's story to cheer me up. of course, i declined his kind offer. but these intentions and actions did touched me deeply, somehow.

i may deem a little gullible and silly here. it may sound like nothing to some, or even some may just claimed that he's doing it because he is after me and it's honeymoon period now. but whatever it is, all i could sense was his sincerity. it has been awhile since i felt so loved by someone who could make you feel that you're his world. he has been giving quite a bit even thought he knows i'm not quite interested in anything yet. i could feel that it was something really genuine, right bottom of my heart.

it suddenly occur to me that, those priority that was given to me was really indeed a privilege. because i was the 3rd party and that was a bonus to me. it may be something true as well, i'm not trying to doubt it. and i'm glad i was given and that i appreciate totally. but i just felt that love, relationship should not involve privilege this word. cause giving is a essential component of a relationship. you give because you love, truly used your heart to love. i receive it because you think i deserve and worthy of it all. not trying so hard to split yourself or your time and labelled it is a privilege and when at the end of the day, when privilege gone, the relationship is no longer build on something. and this is what happens at the end of the day, nothing left, nothing at all. perhaps i'm being too judgmental on a triangle relationship which cannot be compared this way.

i'm feeling so much better. at least i know if i were to decide to commit to X. this relationship is just gonna be between us two. at least i know i can entrust myself to this person, with no doubts and struggles about him as a person, his past and all. i can trust this person fully with no hold backs in giving him my all. at the very least, the normal or rather right way of meeting each other would be something proper, giving me more reason to start a relationship with this person. if at the end of the relationship, we can't work things out, i would just take it as a pity that he's not my mr right. cause i know, i've given my shot and there won't be any regrets.

if it is gonna be like before, meeting the person at the wrong time in all the wrong conditions, and i would have too many reservations and drawbacks to think about. and for one thing i really know, i won't be doing things for my own benefits and at my own defenses. i wont be afraid to love and get hurt. maybe, taking a leap of faith and loving someone would not involved so much agony. i wanna love someone using all my heart. not sharing any bits with other guys.

kai sing and her husband are experiencing a seriously rough patch in their soon 2 years marriage. it's kinda scary because things are falling apart and the real innocent party is their baby girl. i'm feeling and seeing too much negative stuffs on relationship issues and it's getting into me.

why must things be so tough on us?